parae reproduction/suicide

oh fuck, this stuff is just awful, i can’t even hardly listen to it. they’re like fuckin’ demos, but that wasn’t the intent. seriously, i think there are some really good songs here, probably some that i could revisit, but fuck that. with the meager means i was working with, and the stuff that i was trying to do, it’s really very hit or miss, mostly miss. fuckin’ agendize is probably the worst thing that i’ve ever recorded. i was like trying to sing like rufus wainwright and recorded without a click track and just splattering wet sonics against the wall, topped off with pseudo-zappa-esque/beefheart lyrical facades that just don’t come across, a truly failed piece of shit that was meant to be oh so great a statement! some real clunkers in the lyrics too, i dunno what i was thinking. most of the tracks were done really quickly, many of which in no more than a week a piece. a lot of this stuff was programmed and such with guitars and vocals added on top. about half done on adat and half done on 8-track pro-tools. at one point when i was doing this stuff, the electronic music professor/teacher guy peter elsea suggested i look into something called a life. i really really wish this shit didn’t sound so awful, guess it was a learning process. this collection was previously available as mp3s and is currently sitting in the attic.

anal sex @ the beach

something's broken

patience

INTRA

dirty ben

and

agendize

p.m. lovesong

re-evolve (IATCPITW, SFY)

suicide song

blaine

march of my makeup

wanderlust/wonderlust/tigerlust

already forgotten (reproduction/suicide)

All tracks recorded @ UCSC EMS, except 15, created in 18 hours over two days (Jan 16-17, 1999) @ Happy Guy Productions, Santa Cruz CA.

Tracks 1 and 11 recorded Spring 1998 and re-recorded Spring 1999.

Tracks 5 and 6 recorded Spring 1998 and re-recorded Feb-Mar 1999.

Tracks 2, 3, and 4 recorded Jan-Mar 1999.

Tracks 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, and 14 recorded Mar-May 1999.

Track 15 recorded Jan 1999; produced, arranged, recorded and mixed by eriq and Alba

All songs created by eriq, with:

Tracks 1, 4, 5, 12, 14 Andrew Mastronarde - additional electric guitar (1), electric bass (4), additional electric guitar and bass (5, 12, 14)

Track 2 Ihanta Rimper - violin

Track 3 Lani Rowe - additional vocals

Track 9 Mar*Z- improv keyboard solo

Track 11 Alba - drums

Track 15 Alba - beat programming, fx, processing

All sonics created with :

Vocals, Electric and Acoustic Guitars, Electric Bass, Analog Synthesizers, Digital Keyboards, Beat Samples and Programming, FX processing, Violin, Drums, Percussion and such.

Recorded with ADAT and Pro-Tools digital 8-track on a Mac.

Total Time 73:39

cover photo by eriq, circa 1995
copyright 1999 parae / para soniq records / www.parae.org

anal sex @ the beach

and oh the trolls are staring again
why do they keep lusting after our young skin
you really don’t have to ever grow up into a bore
but that doesn’t mean you should keep fucking around like a whore

and when i get old i’ll still be sitting naked at the beach
getting sand in all the wrong places, just like when i was young - must i screech
until then, please don’t come over and try to join in
we are our own special someone's and not sex objects for your sin

i grew old, but i can still dance like a fool
i grew old, but a least i’m not chasing kids still in high school
i grew old, but i can sing about bitterness
i grew old, but at least i figured out i’d never find true happiness

something’s broken

i tried not to be hones again, but it was the only trick i knew
i’d ask for your forgiveness, but i don’t know the move
i made myself everything someone special could ever want
i’d only wised to have the same as what i saw

but now i think i thought i brought you too much sorrow
as i think i thought what i meant to say was

something’s broken, an inherent piece of me must be wrong
what did i ever do to get this kind of damage
something’s broken, it’s the only thing that i can see
why can’t i have this noble thing i want?

i watch as my visions crumble and dissolve into cliched metaphors
i serenade my kindred as they melt into slut-like whores
i seem to have sat with truth for a long long time
i just missed my swan as fate sailed past it’s prime

to trap your broken soul inside my heart
until every last fated moment fell away from innocence

i must be broken, broken from the inside
it’s not something that i understand, almost like a piece is missing

something’s broken, an inherent piece of me is wrong
this is the only conclusion that i can find
something’s broken, it is the only truth i know
i will never find what others have

patience

with a patient smile, look at me in denial
i like your teeth, because they lie of candy store sweets
down we go...
when i gloss on those photos, i wish to die - sigh
fly your face away from boy come subject women
do no you see it’s with sharks you’re swimming
around your belly and around your tail
wait at this dock as the ship sets sail
promise in your pocket, but pride left back at the deck
falls into the ocean as seagulls cry in the distant sunset

exploitation begs, your conscience why, get some patience
for your whole wold, of those then, got some patience
maybe near, was so unclear, lost some patience

breaking the waves where the dolphins swim
remember that time you were in the pool, during the photo shoot, with him
you asked, “what’s your best friend’s name?” he said kim
you pondered, as his chest your eyes admired, is she a lesbian
and remember that comic, so trite it’s limitations made you sick
damn that pool, you started to blush, as he felt up your dick
it was your first time, and hardly you even knew him
his lips were soft and your torsos tight, the cameras clipped with bright snaps of light
it was sunset, not quite night, your young slender bodies exposed to the twilight

for your whole world, of those them, got some patience
maybe near, was so unclear, lost some patience
exploitation begs, your conscience why, get some patience

this is how it was when i lost my reason why
this is how i felt that i would slowly die
this is how he fucked me as i tried not to cry
i lost my innocence without any kind of love
my purity did not leave on the wings of a dove
her song asked if it was a gift from jesus lord above

now you write it out, explaining what it’s all about
so strongly you feel, especially when you knell down or pout
and when you speak, you do so with a great author’s clout
preach on, we all need a voice, preach on, i delegate my choice
tell me, i want to think the same, tell me, i want to dress the same
my community, i wasn't to be part of the scene that is out
don’t forget me, please don’t forget me!
don’t leave me standing alone on this beach
with nothing less than simply my own weightless speech
please don’t confound me with answers to the questions that i fear

maybe near, was so unclear, lost some patience
exploitation begs, your conscience why, get some patience
for your whole world, of those them, got some patience

INTRA

so when i’m in your arms, all i ask of you
just make me feel like i’ll never die
and just like anything else, i don’t understand
with feelings so right, i don’t want to cry why

under rose petals, and trees and things
behind rose petals, and trees and things
(come on, let’s stick to our own)

and the face that was brought to come, was unspeakable to some
but i’m sure the world has seen worse, under the cold gray sun
besides we’re all human now, so i’ll decide for myself how
or will it be this direction that i run

and the sights that others prefer to seal
to see them contained with their designated own
insignificant affinities that they do not feel
leave them standing together alone

and the performers clamored in distress
what similarities can you two have in such a mess
so so many voices
dictating very limiting choices

won’t you understand, that mixing isn’t natural
it is what makes us different and unique
and no find can satisfy you like your own kind, oh no?

so when i’m in your arms, all i ask of you
just make me feel like i’ll never die
and when you hold me tight, through all day and all night
together we’ll make a landscape that will never be under this sky

ever so simple fears of sadness and rage
the world becomes more and more a cage
despite the phantoms of liberty
and from what the ignorant imbred see

regardless of whether the love was pseudo or true
those voices held power against the two
simply because they never thought to question this distinguishing case
maybe the world just wasn’t meant to be their place

dirty ben

and he talked smooth
his body was like a continuous groove
baby with his slick tongue
cause he liked us tight and young
i need, he said, a virgin asshole
please bleed, we claimed, lay your vacuous shell before us
now at 19, take an older lover to teach you tricks, though he’s looking rough
and at 16, i’ve seen my next one rising

dirty ben, where and when
i conceptualize your ass cunt
cover mine phallus and i foresee
dare to believe
a truth between words and actions
exists a thin line
from a great distance of any real meaning at all

yeah his little prick, was so rapturous to stick
he talked the fluff, guess it was ritual enough

how could, i thought, have gotten myself here?
this pathetic thing surrounded by the lips of my mouth
right now, i hate living this disgusting sexuality
right now, i’m forced to accept this situation
as my senses must tolerate his grunts and his cum
as it spurts against the back of my throat and begins to seep down
around, around, again and again, where you been, where you been?

dirty ben, through thick and thin
i dislike you
bringing me down to your level
and oh what a low this is
you make me disgusted of my kind of breaking
and everyone will always fall for this fool too
because i’ve met the replacement one

cum now, i’ll show you how
cause i got the powers, to breed you soiled flowers
my dirty dirty ben, with creatures not quite men
was he a whore, just because he always wanted more

what took you so long? where have you been?
i didn’t think that it would last so quickly
please can’t this end?
yes, you can say whatever you want
but i know it won’t be true

and

miss you once
miss you twice
i tried to cry
but there wasn’t a point

your name, sounds familiar
and i just want to know if it could be true
could you be the one?
it wouldn’t be so bad, i could live with myself, if not for just a little while

i call out your name inside my head
i dream of a fantasy romance
just to kiss you would be enough
just to touch you, feel you

but we’ve never even talked
eye contact, but do you know that i exist?
do you feel the same things i feel?
i wish

i want to change this
i wish i could
but i don’t know how
and even if i did

i’m afraid that i couldn’t
damn, i hate self pity
i tried to cry, but it was futile
i just want to be happy

but i’m filled with doubt...and
and i thought i heard
your voice, from deep
inside my head

agendize

and the butterfly queens sang serenely “god hates fags”
thus i replied so sincerely “i don’t believe-partake in gods”
i am the natural, i am the real, my spiritual connections - flow through mine course veins
i can only stand as my own justification

these religions maybe initialized with benefactor intentions - yet then
evil souls distorted powers into opiates for these masses
i am consciousness, i am life, i as a testament to my-spiritual presence
i designate my own choice of will

we must agendize, come together as on, functioning unit, thinking thoughts before actions
abort, abort, abort, before we were begotten

roy was a faggot, he hated his disease
rage enraptured his heart, as he watched his kin play as they pleased
yeah, roy was a disgusting piece of shit, the only love he ever knew was in the park scene
the physicality of needs replace with anonymity of lies
this pathetic existence had a glistening sheen
preach about evil, manifest the raging fear, become enthralled by a hatred’s power
the body destroys itself from the inside
this violent implosion, of each cell torn apart, brought unto fate, a terminal manifestation
karma’s gift was slow painful death

we must agendize, come together as on, functioning unit, thinking thoughts before actions
abort, abort, abort, before we were begotten

“i want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over you
i want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you
yes, hate is good, our goal is ***** we have ***** duty
we are called by ***, to conquer this **** we don’t want equal time, we don't want pluralism”

and i had me a vision, full of fire an light, back from the dead a saint risen again
and i saw as cemeteries began to fall, mechanical reactions not so different after all
gathered around so the whole world could see, viewing in relaxed terror, with a slight subversive grain of hope
perceived by masses simply at first, the holiest of holy, a manifestation via live media communication of the mother earth

though what was clearly thought to be a she, was more logically genderless, and from this begotten sun all life became an audience“i have seen the future, and it is unimaginably complex, i have seen the future, it is closer to near - it is here” watch as this presentation replies with an embrace and pleasant passive acceptance of fear
as it was, as it always should have been, the virgin mary’s eyes became flooded with tears
this humanity forced to administer its deepest fears, so quickly we adjusted to the new hallucinatory pattern’s familiar embrace

genocide could no longer be considered sexy...no
same as it ever was, and condemned for the future to ever so be
mother earth was always and shall forever live as dead to you and me
all of the past’s mistakes, cannot be justified
remorse and hate, ought not become rationalized
we must agendize, us, our own creation
fate is the only true love known

we must agendize, come together as on, functioning unit, thinking thoughts before actions
flawed forever pieced, all in the quest for internal happiness

p.m. lovesong

johnny was a nice boy, yeah he didn’t want no toy
i guess he was a bit naive, cause he didn’t have no tricks up his sleeve

so johnny let me tell you, you should have lost your heart a long time ago
you see all those kids out there, they ain’t as interesting as they appear

i came, i went, i saw, i left and walked away

boy to boy, girl to girl, this be the kind of shit that gets the whole world in a whirl
hips to hips, sheet to sheet, the only thing i forgot were the shoes on their feet
so where does that leave him now?

so johnny just let me ask, did they treat you foul?
you shouldn’t have been so hopeful, you should have watched your ass

so johnny i guess you see, now your bitter just like me
yeah you’re sad and lonely, but at least you’re free

i came, i went, i saw, i’ll keep you straight, you keep me straight
just what the hell did you think i was? it’s so confusing these days

boy to boy, girl to girl, this be the kind of shit that gets the whole world in a whirl
hips to hips, sheet to sheet, the only thing i forgot were the shoes on their feet
now is you a boy, or be you a girl, cause this feeling you give me makes my whole body swirl
and when i kiss your lips, so soft and sweet, i lose track of where i had the beat

so where does that leave him now?
i ain’t that kind of boy
to just be used as a toy

no you don’t wanna fuck with me
no you don’t fib truth to me
i ain’t one to play insecure games
i won’t let you push that shit on me

so where does that leave him now?
i ain’t that kind of boy
to just be used as a toy
i just wanted my fair share of joy

hey little bitch, do you like how that feels
don’t you like the way i touch you
you little fuck, you little faggot
you little fuck, fuck you like it, don’t you baby
did i hurt you? let me touch you, rub you better, hit you
baby, baby, wanna be my bitch, come on let me fuck you a little baby
scared? ha! scared, bitch, ha!
i fucking fuck you, fuck you right here, fuck you like you like it
like you want it, let me, i fucking fuck your ass bitch
you want to suck my cock, ha, you want sucky suck it, oh
you little bitch, you little pussy puss puss, you know i’d never hurt you
just let me fuck you a little, huh, let me just, oh no you don’t, ha
c’mon dog shit, c’mon
motherfucking faggot shit, i’m gonna fuck you right now, you want it

i was standing in the locker room
i was trying not to be noticed
you know how that thing goes
he came, he came, he came towards me
he took my arms and slammed against me
he slammed me up against that wall
the whole thing burst, how do you fight back
when everyone around you stands or laughs
i tried not be there, not anymore
i tried to avoid this, it didn’t have to be
i didn’t want to tell my father, shame, no really
but nothing even ever happened eventually

re-evolve (iatcpitw, sfy)

re-evolve
taking it back
become again

re-evolve
facing the risk
become again

body and soul
let loose the mind
it is in this place
serenity

reinvent your figure
bask in a new disguise
reconfigure the same
what is new, new, new

i desire this
this new identity
the grass is greener
than what i presently see
a search to become me
that destination out beyond the boundary
the goal past the limitations
leaping over the line and off the cliff into
endless free fall space...with nothing to hold onto but myself

re-evolve this animal
re-conceptualize this humanic creature
re-evolved a mind
i morph myself directionless

i am the coolest person in the world, so fuck you

suicide song

he was dead already, but it wasn’t suicide
he died a little, each and everytime
he had some issues, he had a death wish
he wanted to cry out, once more just a little bit

he died, he died, he died - it was a slow kind of suicide

up there, my martyr lies
up there, my martyr dies
necessary years of plot and planning
perfectly placed for a deceasement

he was dead already, the day he was born
he died a little each time he grew
he always knew that one day it would end here
embalmed in frozen sheets of air, our suicide martyr lies

this is my suicide
at the hands of another
this is my suicide
a day like no other

i hate suicide
it just won’t leave me alone

blaine

take the pills, enjoy the thrills, you always prefer it this way
do you it, let us sit, are you feeling sick?
come now boy, i want a toy, what’s wrong with eyeliner
don’t smear that face now you silly boy, little child

enjoy touch, like quite much, never seemed that you’d be so sloppy
like your tongue, pert and done, don’t other things matter at all?
raver boy, goth last year, i thought you had nice nails
dirty that chiseled face now you silly boy, what a little child

oh blaine, blaine, it’s always the same
blaine, blaine, am i the one to blame?
oh blaine, blaine, you’re always the same
blaine, sweet blaine, posing is such a fucking pain

years will pass by, so quickly they fade away
yeah, we had fun for a awhile
and misery, no, misery never came
just this age

gone cool hair, lost the pierces, something red lies at your lip
got some tabs, and a coupe labs, guarding the bitch’s trailer
you lost your skin, lost your touch, without those you never were much
you forgot your youth, my silly boy, little child

oh blaine, blaine, it’s always the same
blaine, blaine, am i the one to blame?
oh blaine, blaine, you’re always the same
blaine, sweet blaine, posing is such a fucking pain

march of my makeup

got my eyeliner
got my eyeshadow
got some mascara
with a little lipstick
and this nail polish
i be looking fine tonight
now a bit of glitter
i look so sexy tonight

wanderlust/wonderlust/tigerlust

yeah, i wanna fuck prince
i know it’s quite a commitment
just to seduce this lover into my bed
i’m gonna turn the fool from purple to red

not because he talks dirty
not because he can do tricks
i say, wanderlust, wonderlust, tigerlust
you sexy motherfucker, shaking that ass

i’d let him take me back to his special place
and he’d say, “baby, let me tie you to this chair” there
but no i reply, “i know quite well what i look like,
so now sweet velvet, do you know what i’m gonna do?”
with a gleam in his eye, i trap him on his bed
i’m here cause i got the power to dominate his hands
i’ve come in this disguise, so i could learn the truth
with a dream in my mind, this is what i said

i’ll make you like it, what do you want?
got you feeling so hot, your body just can’t help it
what will he say, as i cover his eyes
filled with my lips, as i become part of him

now i sit in the corner
and he’s crying for more
so sign this contract on the line
my name is the only truth that you can adore

not because he talks dirty
not because he can do tricks
i say, wanderlust, wonderlust, tigerlust
you sexy motherfucker, shaking that ass

already forgotten (reproduction/suicide)

through all of atrocious horror, sight brought final mass resolve
conscious of consciousness, aware of limits from capabilities
together we sang

there will be no more wars
no more will we hate
everything shall be love, beauty and free
no more death
because the meaning and purpose was lost

united by fear, limited by truth, the chorus sang as one
the voice carried all of the things that could not be contained
but the offspring do not remember the green pulse of snapping spines
so rejoice in their freshness and purity, but fear their blood instinctives
the spirits cried

all the tools of destruction are all already forgotten
but those creations will never go away
look beside, look inside, feel the psychosis, let purpose slip away
the only moral choice is to end yourself

try to live up to inherent capability, try to realize why peace and love failed
that future never existed, and the past was already forgotten
desensitizing hope, dematerializing faith
embracing the primal misanthropic, becoming irrational survival

don’t preach, you liar, don’t cry, you liar
don’t feel so pathetic, feelings are useless
remember the pleasant times, consumed by the stain of a heart
memory does not equal absolution, control does not interpret change

breeding fear unto each new generation - your reproduction is your suicide
this death disease that evolution cures - your reproduction is your suicide
your fears of existent life forces - your reproduction is your suicide
meanings, motives, purposes, already forgotten - your reproduction is your suicide

you died, when you opened your eyes to the world
you died, when your innocence was lost
you died, when you became so self aware
your consciousness is your paradigm

you died, the very first time you fucked
you died, as your children became born
you died, when you thought you achieved happiness
your paradox remains your life

and when you’re dying, at the end of your existence
seeking to justify your termination with a reason
remember the happiness and forget the sorrow
because we all feel better looking at a corpse with a smile