so like i made these tracks over the course of about a year, june 1999 - june 2000. overall i’d classify it as ok, perhaps quasi-listenable, though the skip button is advisable, as an old friend said some of the tracks just aren’t fun. i’d say this is where i really started to get a handle on recording independently, though i labored over the mixes for many of these tracks for what seemed like an enternity, usually at a stand still trying to make things work that just would not work, so then i'd fuck things up more just cuz i'm stubburn. also there are various ideas on here that i just should have ditched initially, but instead followed through with, once again finding myself trying too hard, or attempting to make some great statement or idea of what an album should be. as far as the sequencing is concerned, this collection is more linear than the previous, though the elements of genre schizophrenia are more sonically heightened across the tracks. not out right horrible, probably some of my best pop/rock songs are on here, i just wish the production or lyrics were better. n is probably the best song on here in my opinion, though it’s 2nd half is pretty botched and should have been left off. this was previously available as mp3s, and is now sitting in that same crate in the attic.

volatile finally

whatever happens - happens

music for porno #1 (super)

ok metamorphize

machine casualty

breed

a real song

f.s.

edge of california

n

i will do all of this just to hurt you

alternate (yr so real + alive)

Created June 1999 - June 2000 @ EMS UCSC, Santa Cruz CA

All sonics created with :

Vocals, Electric and Acoustic Guitars, Electric Bass, Analog Synthesizers, Digital Keyboards, Beat Samples and Programming, FX processing, Piano, Alto Saxophone, Violins, and Cello.

Recorded on a Pro-tools digital 8-track Mac Computer.

created by eriq, with:

whatever happens - happens :

music for porno #1 (super) :

ok metamorphize :

machine casualty :

a real song :

n:

i will do all of this just to hurt you :

Total Time 57:20

cover photo taken at the blackburn st house by someone sometime 2000, photoshoped by eriq.

copyright 2000 parae / para soniq records / www.parae.org

volatile finally

a symbolic act
half moon during daylight
ends never i vampiric-like
this is, a symbolic act
a purpose maybe, ends to a mean
volatile finally, finally this was
a means to cry, a means to try
seashells and swordfish
imagined, a phallic tower triumphs the sky
a means to an endangerment
hanging over the ocean
out above black/white path markers
grab hold, lay your shoulder upon me
this rock, no birds, just this reflection
so this is like a womb? that zone
stability, non-presence... a lash caught
caught between mine eyes
volatile finally, not quite
e.n.n.u.i. to perceive, to sigh
this is the way the wind has turned
no way, go away
i expect nothing
run on, let my ears become sunburned
go on, i no need to dread a better outcome
upon that breast, you want
suckle, bury, marry, i read you’d died
i watched it not all end
i watched it keep going
nose first, like an eagle, now send

whatever happens-happens

i ain’t got no expectations, damn these preconceptions
i just want one thing, well maybe two, for now i’ll settle with half
what’s wrong with you, can’t you see, y’all should want to worship me
suck my toes, nibble my ears, take my hand and pass me a beer

come with me, won’t you
be with me, can’t you
say it like i know
just take me away somewhere

i know i shouldn’t bother, no, i should just play it safe
really it don’t matter, cause i never get what i want
and you’re much to much to fucked up, more damage than i deserve
but damn, damn, damn, i’m drawn helplessly to you anyway

why do you fail to see, that i could fulfill you so easily?
why do you fail to accept, that i am the best that you ever have met?
why am i not what you want?
i just wish to be in your...

i love you with all of my heart
and i hate you with all of my soul
so why don’t you just fucking die
and stop frustrating my simple mundane life

whatever happens-happens

so now i’ve fucked it all up, have i fucked it all up?
i’m glad that i fucked it all up, oh you stupid, stupid boy!

you just make me so sad

so go distract yourself again
you frustrate me

music for porno #1 (super)

i am the seducer of straight boys, ah yeah, music for porno
like a magazine, or a girl made from plastic newsprint, cylinders bulbous, and cycloptics

so you think these gestures, will bring your desires
sometimes it’s easier to hide behind a mask and forget

when are you gonna stop living a fantasy?
when are you gonna relax and just live?
i know that it makes sense inside of your head
but what you really need is a healthy sense of dread
pinche jota

you can’t handle this, you can’t get a handle on this
it’s a grip of perversion, that’s more than you can contain, retain, this pain, uhh

maybe you didn’t quite think it all through, remember that true boys don’t cry
it’s so hard to be this real, be real, but also strong enough to still feel

when are you gonna stop living a fantasy
when are you gonna relax and just live
are you gonna end up stuffed inside the trunk of a car
gender trappings are such a dangerous trip to fuck with

these hand are around your neck
this knife, it parts your flesh
i think this is our death
ah yeah, music for porno
expose now your set sex
your face red raw meat fresh
exhaled one last sweet breath
ah yeah, music for porno

so you wanna love me for about 30 seconds
so you wanna touch me for about 30 seconds
becoming so real
becoming so surreal

when are you gonna stop hating yourself so much
when are you gonna relax and just live
i won’t try and love you if you can’t figure out
how to love yourself, but

these hand are around your neck
this knife, it parts your flesh
i think this is our death
ah yeah, music for porno
expose now your set sex
your face red raw meat fresh
exhaled one last sweet breath
ah yeah, music for porno

(espanol)
this is the feel of life like super
this is the sound of music for porno
this is the portrait you close your eyes to see
this is the smell of music for porno
can you taste it? do you taste it?

ok metamorphize

where is she, when, how long, if i’d pray, then
a girl with animae eyes, green hair, has got to be out there somewhere
just like two years back, dream girl ain’t so pure like she ought to be
maturity you lack, i’m reminded of what i once was too blind to see
thoughts you think, this time awaits, self hates, emaciates
there is no expression, insurrected, enter depression
conflicted mauve repressionistic, this existence is sadistic
like a bad trent song you say, sadness is the only game i know how to play

metamorphize, you feel, you create lies
tell me, oh i dunno, you dunno, watch... my heart dies
just a kid, lifted up the lid, felt a sight, then he ran in flight
i’m andro, you know, but he stopped the clock when he touched my cock
before, before, i wasn’t really a boy, like dream girl, an intangible joy
attain this project in your hand, but really you must run away
same time, every time, i get left sucking oh sweet lime
another tourist that could not de-stygmatize the third side of the dime

red for your heart that wanted this
yellow for our energy when we touched
blue for the fear that you hide behind
when you and i were together, nothing else should have mattered at all

pretty no, pretty no, he said, i think you’re beautiful
ok what, no wait but, i’m not ready, once you’re sober
to colorblind to realize, i’m a fucking four leaf clover, but
it’s over, over, scream on the inside, hide on the out wide
a look across, that penetrates, instigates, engraviates
too many cure albums in your collection, i disintegrate
i remember now, i used to sing this song, she will save me from this fate
chance came and left, gone, and you’re still afraid to come along

yeah you remind me too much, myself, the qualities i used to be
you’re so delicate and sad, i kinda just wanted to make you happy
but you aren’t at the level, didn’t matter, yet, you fear to even try
is it perhaps you comprehend what has been lost and shed the cry
i let myself fall martyr again, got my hopes up premature
i made an investment, ha, one more time, felt so sure
and this is how it’s meant to be found, to ask you why would bring a more hurt sound
maybe you thought me condescending, i really didn’t mean to be

red for your heart that wanted this
yellow for our energy when we touched
blue for the fear that you hide behind
when you and i were together, nothing else should have mattered at all

and i feel so old tonight
now that you’ve seen my imperfections

now i think i understand, you can’t be what i demand
maybe a different place, different time, another kind of land
we’ll be together on beach sands, and i won’t ask you how
why it is you feel so, i dunno know now, it don’t matter
i need not instigate drama, stresses that would make me sadder
this just wasn’t right, these lies, i metamorphize
you will always be special to me, just not special enough
it’s ok, just keep watching the skies, ever changing

machine casualty

objectify, rectify
subjugate, participate

you can be, all you can be, ever so sincerely, sweetly so sweetly
stand fast large, an asexual charge, the taste is salty
now you know, so we go

honor now, weapons wow, don’t ask, don’t know how
creature conform, glitter uniform, body and mind
thrown is careen, model machine

i want to be, all you want to be you me to be, what i can be, you want me

this is your life
this my honor

deny, deny

they fucked you up, and then fucked you over, i’m sorry too bad
they rimmed you sweetly, and lied discreetly, and now you’re dead
machine casualty, machine casualty

so go join the LAPD, remove the dirt, the dirt like me
killing can make you free

breed

back again, your prom goddess with a dream, question, fuck your ass, what what?
you say you said ya want to ream with me, you want in, ha
i do not think so, that you know, you know what has been happening
your lack of contrived definition is not my aberration
i am not your queen just because i am not straight passing
thick white textured circular orifices hang from my lobed ears, so it
takes such little to re-circumsize your fears, your lusts, such a
poor innocent prick, you make me sick, unattractive and ever quite thick, i know what you want
on stall doors you wrote, i will suck fat dick

you want a taste of manhood
you need a piece of your own
written on that stall door
you fancy yourself a whore
slip this cock meat through that hole
imagining the buckets of cum
oh how you want someone to come
to come and make you whole

43 seconds of ecstasy, bee stung and then you’re dead
super men, hot girlies, entertainment for little boys
this will be your manhood
this will be your man
take it like a man
so breed, breed, breed, god damnit!

everybody knows that you like to suck cock
why don’t you represent
we saw it from the neon sign on your forehead
paraeric’s got to represent

lick her cunt now lick good now with some skill
now is the time slip in does it feel real
left still with your thoughts vulnerable power
you bring yourself to your own bent knees

break it down, break it down real good
and then we build it back up
can you handle this?
one more time
here we go!

to be contradictions truly masculine, you can never give into desires
you really wanna be a big strong man, but these connections disrupt independence
how are you gonna protect a family, when you feel so vulnerable like this
sitting hunched over a toilet bowl, struggling’ to maintain your stability's
will this father title give gifted success, will this woman like your mother bring happiness
ya thinks that if you try hard enough, that you will become a real man, you can
follow the path and let the pieces fall, that’s a door at one end of the hall
you try to be the man you hate, dad? but ineffectively trip onto an alternate fate

you do all of this to justify your
masculinity, taught to debase the
bitch now go perform, your life is simple
a short one act play, listen to these words!

i met a boy, he said, why are you the way you are
his tongue licked his lips, are you interested in my eyeliner?
hey, do you ever dress up like a girl? he asked, he asked, suck it!
with the drunk look of desire in his eyes, the girlfriend laughed idly by
he said that would sure be cool, yo, he represents for all good diversities
he pondered aloud, yeah i’d like that, i said, he didn’t listen, not really
yeah, he’d like me to be his very own, secret she-male cock suck ass fuck queen
imagining me, characterized like a woman or a girl, contriving up assumptions for what it is he has seen

you assume me as feminine
only because those traits yo perceive
as a deviation of the masculine

the root of masculinity is stronger than sexuality
within the context of a same sex definition dynamic, the two male bodies create an equality
for a homosexual under delusions of masculinity, his masculinity is reassured by his partner, if partner is accepted as also masculine
this role play pays tribute to the normalcy of masculine/feminine arch types, homosexuality is acceptable as long as the portrayers remain as masculine
the threat of the non-masculine male/partner corrupts the subjects own masculinity, with the exception of a bias towards a homosexual hetero-gender dynamic role play, which can rein force the masculinity of one partner, while subjecting the fem as a wrongness of inferior aberration at the mercy of the dominate
the threat of androgyny, non-gender is greater than sexuality, it threatens the gender roles of masculine/feminine
john Wayne prefers only masculine perceived males in order to reinforce an internal construct of normal behavior within the structure of society

43 seconds of ecstasy, bee stung and then you’re dead
super men, hot girlies, entertainment for little boys
he was a good man
he will be remembered
doesn’t it just make you want to cum?

a real song

this is a real song
about last night
an encounter, seemed so long
in the closet with no light

i feel your hands, your hands are on me
do you hear my voice, as i speak and you breathe
this is a first time, but seems like so many
these moves so rehearsed and words quite silly

now will i ever see you again?
too many clichés are already here
will you run away and cry of sin?
please don’t turn your lust back into fear

now slow down my boy
what the hell is your rush
please drop the sexy speak
can’t you just relax and kiss me?

will you say it was the beer?
will you play it like you’re still ok?
i kinda liked having you so near
you know i didn’t just make you gay

is this all it’s supposed to be? is this an adventure
i guess i should take what i can get
but now that i’ve had you, is there any more point
i’m still alone, and you’ve gone away

so do you hate me now?

f.s.

he is a poor mormon child
he grew up here in the city of the great salt lake
he wants to find some kind of affectation
he was taught a picture perfect world view via satellite

did you hear the gossip? did you hear the news?

this is given my identity
and this is given my religion
nothing can ever be so easy as now
is there anyway that i could change

his family says that they will still love him
his sin is not a fault but rather a challenge
his preacher man said he could always be there for him
his preacher man can help, he shares the sin

all of the men dress so nice
all of the men are so clean cut
all of the men respect him so much
all of the men understand his type of condition

i sent them my picture
will it take me away?
i’ll find love on the internet
someone who will simply say

this is the, we love you, just pretend you’re straight game
this is the, let me help you, older man to boy mentor game
this is the, yes we accept that there are Mormon faggots game
this is the, we’ll cure you, until then keep if on the DL game

this is more real than joseph smith and golden tablets
this is more real than multiple layers of heaven
this practice leaves a foul taste in my mouth
i said this all because i thought that i was supposed to

edge of california

with a breathe of fresh air, and the wind in your hair
a kiss on your neck, down past the strip malls
don’t forget this moment, here in our desert
the skies pink at sunset, is this forever

take this as adventure
c’mon rapturous soul

and we’ll cruise past the glitter ocean
shining like the sparkle in your eyes
i can forget it all but the concrete
why are you here, here with me?

remind me of such primal
will you share in this response

i went down to the edge of california
i don’t know how to find just what i need
so i sing a song to myself
as i drive on past the end of the freeway

the winds blow up against my face
i need to find a familiar place
what really happened to time today
how did i become so detached

is this the end of the world already
one more time floating down the 101

i have a tendency to think ahead
maybe if i sing it will come true

n

where did they all go?
so lost, there is nothing i can do to stop this
the damage has already been done
it’s just you and me now

but here comes the scene where you die
and i’m left alone in the desolation
if it were reversed, i’d feel warm, content
gentle acceptance, at least i’m safe now

this is where the sun sets
my movie, among a distraught earth
throughout the desperate ruins a warm breeze swells
act to act, this my story never ending

i’ll still grow old and stop caring
let the youth decide, reside
if only my detachment would come back
there is nothing left for me to learn

but maybe i could manage this destruction alone
i would hope, yet, bad things do happen
i can try and survive this life
have faith that everything will be all right in the end

some days, i just wanna stay asleep
some days, i feel trapped
some days, i think i’ve already been defeated
some days, i wonder why i just keep on going

i will do all of this just to hurt you

a good ass fucking could do you well
it’s something that might break your pretty little shell
yeah a good ass fucking would do you well
pay attention to me boy, i’m gonna bring you hell

i will rip your heart out, tear apart your delicate soul
what you see as beauty, is but a false wish to
be alive just one first time, to find what you think you miss
inside your too scared to die, but too scared to live right now

you need something to hold down safe your special contained vulnerable
live a fantasy plane that you’ve learned only but here all to well
you need something to take you away but zap you just can’t run with this lust
and when you give me all of yourself i will betray your true honest trust

come on kid i know what you need
i got the touch to make your insides bleed
drop the fucking game and admit what you desire
i am the one that will embroider your fire

i will purge your heart right out, shard apart your purities
and you will still worship me, even as i break you into
pure misery, eternal anguish, mirror what you need to see
inside you’ll want to simply die, but remain too scared to make a move

so you thought, that you could
get away, with this

i will do all of this just to hurt you
everyone deserves some kind of pain
i will do all of this just to hurt you
the lengths that you go to not be your way

alternate (yr so real + alive)

now i’ve got some venom left for you
yeah, you were fucked even before you were born
like god’s mistake damned to run awry
but the doctors made it so mommy wouldn’t have to cry
shame is quite simple, don’t cha know
like A B, buy you’re x slash z

we all just wanna be happy and die
it’s so nice to let life glide by
but you can’t be part of the herd, naa-ahh
it’s the aberration, little bird

scrape away the soul, assign this gender
painted ethnic race, now you know your place
this is simplicity, it hurts to think
so discard all the strife, from the imagination of life

assimilate, alternate, yr so real and alive
alternate, assimilate, yr so real and alive

sometimes it takes a special situation to see
that there ain’t no point to a fucking category
no more is my mind laid bare for the rape
of truth as a resolve to escape
so i’m gonna be happy god damnit

and i’d rather be entwined in fucking right now
but when nothing’s natural, am i ever being fulfilled
and i’d rather be entwined in fucking right now
but rules don’t apply to me, how do i know when i’m happy
and i’d rather be entwined in love right now
maybe it’s just my freedom
i want some original type ecstasy

all day long we just play it so straight
but at night, we come out and alternate
i don’t think that i like being this fake fate
so i’m gonna rebel against the alternate

you’re so real, you’re so real, you’re so real and alive
you’re so fake, you’re so fake, fuck fate, fuck fate